Annu Mari as Misako in Branded to Kill
Annu Mari as Misako in Branded to Kill

Since finishing Scribbles of the Empress, I’ve been struggling to figure out what to write next. I was kicking around three novel ideas but ended up writing a ten minute stage play that I plan to enter in some contests and if I get a production somewhere (fingers crossed), I’ll travel to where ever and watch it performed. The play is called The Tattooed Dentist. The play centers around being true to yourself and making your parents proud. The play feels very personal. I also wrote it with the hopes of giving a lead role to an elderly woman and calling for Asian actors.

I recently watched the Outrage Trilogy which is a series of three yakuza films. I loved it so much that I watched them twice. Then I found a list on IMDB of the 50 best yakuza films. I’ve watched a lot of samurai films, but this is new to me and I’m really enjoying it. I watched Branded to Kill (1967) and loved how dark it was and how it appeared visually. The character of Misako inspired me to consider taking on the novelization of my screenplay Filming Tara Raikatuji. So now that The Tattooed Dentist is basically complete, I printed a copy of the screenplay so I can read it and see if I still feel motivated to make Tara my next protagonist.

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It’s been over a month since I posted. It’s not that I’d forgotten, I’ve been waiting to have something happy to post. But the truth is, I’m writing about suicide while feeling suicidal. I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’ve talked about it in my personal (private) blog how in sync Orly and I have been emotionally while working on her final book. Loneliness. Isolation. Despair.

Yesterday I woke thinking about the James Joyce quote I have tattooed on my stomach:

“One by one they were all becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age.”

For decades, I always saw the full glory of some passion anchored in my youth—when I loved more intensely and my daydreams were larger. But it occurred to me yesterday that it is right now that I am in the full glory of some passion with Orly, as I’ve never felt so invested in something I was writing. On the one hand, this felt great and redemptive. The pinnacle of my life had not happened twenty-seven years ago as I had thought; it’s happening now. But on the other hand, it’s telling me to, or at least making me feel okay with letting go of my life when I finish writing her story. I told my shrink, two sessions ago, that I need to find something to occupy myself with when I finish this book, and I need to find it now so that it’s there waiting for me, because I don’t see what my purpose will be when I lose Orly to her story being over.

There’s a stage play I’m considering writing, but I don’t feel strongly about it, and I don’t know how to create passion. I wonder if the passion I feel right now is the result of writing Orly for so many years or because there is so much of me in her final installment. Throughout Scribbles of the Empress, I find myself offering Orly reasons to live and at the same time I’m panicking to find my reasons after it’s finished.

This isn’t a cry for help. If I want to convey anything, it’s that I hate feeling like this. The last sentence of the opening paragraph of Chapter Four is: Wanting to die hurts in a way that no other pain does. Orly and I are saying that in chorus. We hate feeling like this.

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